Tuesday, August 11, 2020

COVID SEX

THE WAIT IS OVER HENNY'S! 

After my Fourth of July pamphlet was yet another failure, I am sure this one will be a best seller. 89 Items In Your Household You didn't Know You Could Get Off Too. In these trying times, you coupled and marrieds are lucky.... but many of us singletons are suppose to go without sex, in fear of catching the virus. I know this is the longest I've ever gone with sex. Many of my friends ask me why I'm not more irritable and cranky? I tell them ,well, because I'm still having sex. That's right! But it's all self love and with things right at your finger tips. This is also good for the person if your on a covid budget.... it's going to answer questions for the insatiable bottoms,  and for the person who has maxed out there credit cards and can't afford sex toys.  Do you people realize that your house is waiting to fuck you? It's dying to fuck you! You'd be amazed at the items to bring one pleasure. 

 For starters those of you with a landline should keep it. There is nothing better then a trim line phone sex session.... to shove up your ass. Absolutely nothing like a good trim line, much better than a cell phone, and yet another reason to keep a landline . 

And doorknobs are not just for suicidal hangings anymore. Oh there wonderful...just back up on that door knob and go to town. And curtains rods are not just for drapes anymore. But you need to have a ladder to work the curtain rods. And remember when people use to use condoms and there were the condoms ribbed for a ladies pleasure? Well, don't forget about the everyday toilet brush. Those bristles are just like a ribbed condom. It serves a dual purpose to pleasure yourself while cleaning yourself out.  That's when you want to have the Ajax and Comet at the end of that brush.

In the shower? Don't forget those shower heads! I have to say, in my life, there have been quite a few shower heads that have caught my eye — and made me late to work.

Sometimes you need not look any further than your kitchen.All you have to do is look at a well-endowed zucchini or cucumber or banana to know that someone, somewhere is happy. Plus you've got a fruit salad when your done. And don't forget the wooden handle utensils, but one must watch for splinters. And you can go to town on a egg beater, and then tease your wigs with them later.

Although the thought of using a remote control as a sex toy can definitely make ones mind run wild, it does way more then you think then just changing the channel!

Have you heard of tool time? Just lodge those rubber handled tools into something and find the g spot!!!

Here's a win win. Candles! Wo doesn't like candles? I'm sure you assumed  that these are being used for penetration — or to stimulate in other ways with hot wax, which is a light BDSM practice. But make sure the candle is out first. That was an accident I would like to forget. But afterwards you'll smell like a yankee candle too.

Whether it's because you haven't gone food shopping in awhile or because your  shower head isn't detachable, don't forget to turn to your vanity set!!!! The hairbrush as a make-shift sex toy can be down right quiver inducing, while you use the mirror to crack your own ass with. Plus you still have a comb to use after to fix your coiffure.

Don't want to spend money on anal beads? No worry, get out the ice cube tray and melt the ice cubes a bit to round them. Oh what a feeling that is!!!!! 

And for the guys, the Electrolux cannister vacuum delivers quite the blow. You may never go back to a person again. My advice-  wait till your flaccid to pull out!!!!

I'm a huge one for dental hygiene. But I'm here to tell you that a toothbrush does the trick when it comes to an on-the-spot toy for pleasuring. Which, if you've felt the vibration of some of those electric toothbrushes, definitely makes a lot of sense in my opinion.

And if your famous and in the pictures or music try your Oscar. It's really the only reason to win one!!!! You just know Faye Dunaway rode that thing hard when she won for Network.

But you'll just have to get the pamphlet to see for yourself all the items. I don't want to give all the real big surprises away. You'll never have a happier home I'll tell you that.

No I'm on to the next pamphlet... The Covid Face...It's All About Less Make Up and a More Dramatic Eye for Mask Wearing During the Pandemic.

58 comments:

  1. Darling, you're an inspiration as always. The shower scene, always alluring. I do love to get a handle on mine, turn it right side up, and let the water sprinkle and tickle my privates while I giggle all the while. Clive doesn't approve of course. He's left to wipe and mop the mess I leave behind me. But it's ever so fun. I'm then off to the slip and slide in I have in the yard. Remember them? Getting all soaped up and sliding down a wet ramp toward a waiting male attendant at the end of the run. Or am I confusing things? I'm a huge, and I mean huge, proponent of self love. I know what I like and my hand knows how I like it. You get my drift. Carry on. Kisses!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Conde, I swear you read my mine, or your talking to Ms Moorecock. I have a grand project in the works involving a slip and slide. Once open maybe you and Clive can come and enjoy it?

      Delete
    2. "slip and slide" = lots of KY, amirite?

      Delete
  2. Bwahahahahahahahaha you got me roaring since the " Your house is just dying to fuck you!" My side's are killing me!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love those gore arms
    Wish I had them

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can say from personal experience that shower massage heads are GREAT!

    "you coupled and marrieds are lucky.... but many of us singletons are suppose to go without sex" - hey, you can be married and still not have sex. what's sex? if it weren't for self love, I'd have no love at all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's with the gals and shower heads in Philly?!?!?!?!?!?!?

      Delete
    2. Anne Marie- That must be why water bill is so high!

      Delete
    3. @pearly - call it a weakness. it's the pulsating action of the water that gets me off quickly AND multiple times.

      Delete
    4. CHRIST!!!!! I am surprised you were on time all those times for lunch then?!?!?

      Delete
  5. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I never been so excited to get home tonight!!!!!!!!! Your a national treasure Mistress.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm just going to laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and keep my big mouth shut!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No reason to be demure dear...we know you have and LOVE your slim landline gurl!!!!!

      Delete
    2. @deedles - we KNOW what you do when BH is at work; don't try to hide it, gurl.

      Delete
    3. Carebear, I'm supposed to wait until he goes to work?! Who knew!? I do have to say, those massage shower heads sure do come in handy ("come in handy", heh), what with adjustable streams and all. See, I was going to shut the frack up!

      Delete
    4. and THIS is why we love our duchess!

      Delete
    5. You both have have me shuttering as to what the Mistress did to my shower head. It hasn't flowed right since his visit. I can't get it off the power blast setting.

      Delete
    6. @pearly - try it, you might like it!

      Delete
  7. Well NO WONDER you never leave the house darling.

    This is one of your more helpful pamphlets. But could the titles be any longer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Dear, yes they are long, but I want people to know what they'll be getting up front...or in the back.

      Delete
    2. @maddie - or both places at the same time (if you're into that)!

      Delete
  8. Oh Mistress!!!! This is better than the nurses sex ed assembly in Junior High!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. "And doorknobs are not just for suicidal hangings anymore. Oh there wonderful...just back up on that door knob and go to town." 😂🤣😅😂🤣

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *makes metal note to not open any door at the casa*

      Delete
    2. @moorecock - at least not without a lysol wipe and plastic gloves; you don't know WHERE those knobs have been!

      Delete
    3. Tis a rather sad commentary for doorknobs everywhere.

      Delete
  10. LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL,LOL!!!! Now my question is do you take the drapes off the rod before you shove it up your ass?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I actually keep them on the rod, because then I can drape myself in them so the neighbors won't see out the window.

      Delete
  11. I can't believe you wrote this swell pamphlet Mistress. ow timely. I was just wondering the other day what I might have around here to get me off in the house!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG!!!!!!! You so need a uncensored podcast with this info!!!!!! I'm DYING here!!!!!!! This also reminds me to not use anything in your kitchen ever again.

    ReplyDelete
  13. LMFAO!...6 trays of ice going as I type.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh that's right.... absolutely Jimmy...and just think how it will cool you down in that Floridan heat dear.

      Delete
  14. Thank god in this pandemic for you and your pamphlets!!! My local adult shop has your last six I believe along with a gift with purchase.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH YES...The gift with purchase! How was that for a stroke of marketing? Did you get the poppers or the penicillin?

      Delete
  15. You have no idea how my home has fuck me over the years. It's about time I get some pleasure out it damn it. Such a creative soul you are. Now we need you to do mystical readings next!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well as you know Asriel I do have my own astrologer Ming Crystal, but she hasn't been seen since she left to Thailand with Ms. Moorecock's half sister, Isuki Moorecock. We sure could use her guidance in these times.

      Delete
  16. 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'll never be able to look at my hammer and candles again the same. And my question is do your prefer Colgate or Crest for the toothbrush?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, neither. Im all about the natural stuff...Toms! Give just the right tingle on your dingle.

      Delete
  17. O-M-G-!!!! bwhahahahahahahaha!!!!!! I sides too hurt. Thanks for this good laugh....we come here for the eye candy and drinks and stay for the high brow humor.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I wish I knew all this before you stayed here. So about the next visit, huh, yeah, I might be out of town , so ........next time your in a room with no belongings girl.

    ReplyDelete
  19. heads up everybody, if you ever have the mistress over for dinner, frisk her for silverware...she may be getting off to it.

    ReplyDelete
  20. OMD! What a public service. Who knew there were so many possibilities. And I couldn’t understand why my electric toothbrush needed to be charged so often these last few months. I guess I didn’t take into account the “extra curricular” activities.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right Huntley, hold that vibrating toothbrush against those balls next time while running one off. You'll thank me later.

      Delete
  21. Mistress Maddie... thank you for your thoughtful and well-researched advice for the sexually isolated. This type of community service is woefully needed, especially in light of VP Pence's firm stance that sexual gratification is a non-essential service and that butt sex is reserved for the rich and/or religiously devout. As someone who is experiencing a degree of sexual isolation during this pandemic, I can tell you that your ideas have inspired me and given me hope. In fact, I swear that lamp across the room is flirting with me. Question? Do I unplug it or plug it in? And my running shoes seem to be giving off some type of pheromone - I mean I can smell them from the other room. Thank you, dear. Keep fighting the good fight. You are the Obama of sexual salvation.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Speechless, some days you leave me speechless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been told that dear times before, but not from something I said.

      Delete
  23. Oh, that I should have an Oscar...or a Tony...or a Golden Globe...or an Emmy. ***sigh***

    Well, I will admit that I've used some of the things on the list. Yes, I have. Of course I have. Hasn't every man??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well....I don't think a Tony award would be good unless you have one of the prolapsed assholes Pat.

      Delete
  24. And the only thing you can come up with for Tops is an Electrolux? Dear, don't you know, a Dyson never stops sucking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well Do you have any of these handy...peach, or in your case a watermelon, I gather you might be a big boy down there. Or how about pillows, a stuffed animal, or even a cream or fruit filled pie. But Dave the Dyson, absolutely ..it's power and suction is unparalleled in my research.

      Delete
  25. ...most entertaining and creative!!!

    ReplyDelete
  26. MISTRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My muscule control is not that good and you have me in fits of laughter here. I m not sure if the post or the comments are funnier, but altogether my stomach in hurting.

    And I may never look at my vanity set the same.

    ReplyDelete
  27. So many ideas ...so little time.

    Now, off for a shower, after a quick stop at the veggie crisper in the fridge!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear you have a big veggie crisper too!

      Delete
  28. OMG....The funniest thing I read all week, and these comments are just as funny!!!! I look forward to giving the eggbeater a try myself.

    ReplyDelete
  29. While this kinda cracked me up, I'm sure many people will find it useful. 😛

    ReplyDelete
  30. You are as clever as you are beautiful.

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead darling, tell me something fabulous!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...