Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Cities are Like Family

My girl Kailyn sent this to me last week and thought it was sort of cute! What relative is your city? Mine is the Grandma! But a wild Grandma!

New York is the older brother that gets the great grades, makes all the right moves on the basketball court, or the baseball field, and knows everyone. Makes the most money at his awesome jo b. And everyone in the family always wants to visit him.

San Francisco is the beautiful, albeit spoiled rotten younger sister that is sensitive and takes offense at everything and finds a lot of drama in really stupid shit.

Chicago is the redheaded stepchild always trying to keep up with New York and jealous of San Francisco . He talks a lot of smack but he's got a good heart.

Detroit is the down and out uncle that can pop that cap in your ass; bitter that his mother's brother's cousin, Toronto, gets to en jo y free medical care while his entire life gets repossessed and his welfare checks have diminished to practically nothing.

New Orleans is the older sister that's been worked over by the system and once you felt sorry for her, but now you just wonder when she's gonna get her shit together.

Austin is the cousin on your mother's side. The liberal, free thinking, intelligent and fully aware cousin that was born into an entire generation of bigots, assholes and republicans or cowboys.

Philadelphia is the old world grandmother that lives in a dusty house but has lots of cool stories and remembers when New York piddled his diapers.

Dallas is the big overbearing uncle that everyone avoids at parties because he likes to squeeze San Francisco 's ass inappropriately and is always slapping New York on the back, just a little too hard.

Boston is the esteemed eccentric and wealthy aunt that curiously has never been married but seems to know everyone and everyone likes her.

Seattle is the little brother that smokes too much pot and loves to just goof around.

Los Angeles is the beautiful, perfect sister that parties too much and always has that sexy outfit and lots of money to throw around. She always says the wrong thing at the wrong time, but her heart is in the right place, as long as it's some place hot!

Minneapolis is the adopted sister that looks boring and plain from a distance but once you step into her house you see she's totally got her freak on.

Atlanta is the in-the-closet uncle and when you visit his apartment at a party, every single person you meet is an in-the-closet uncle. And even though on your uncle's mother's side there were slaveowners once, you can't help but wonder if her pappy was an in-the-closet uncle.

Columbus has the most family members but nobody gives a crap.

Las Vegas is the seedy 4th cousin that likes to wear too much gold, has greasy hair and sports the latest leisure suits in his tricked out caddy; nobody likes to admit being related to him, but when you do visit him you know it will be something to talk about for years to come, or not.


  1. Well, Seattle is *our* city here in Washington - the little brother. My own little brother lives in San Francisco. And we spent a lot of time in New Orleans when my folks lived there. Santa Barbara, not on the list, but I like that city.

  2. What a fun post!

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  4. Mine must be the bastard child that no one talks about because, :::sniff:::, it ain't there!

  5. Anonymous6/25/2009

    Just recently got back from Boston and I agree completely about that one. People are so snooty up there. I'd love to hear about Baltimore, but then again; maybe I wouldn't!!!


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