Friday, October 15, 2021

HAUNTED HOUSE

Anyone who knows me, will tell you that Halloween is by far my favorite of holidays. Always has. I just enjoy the feel of the season, the seasonal delights of seasonal decor like pumpkins and such, the cool eeriness,  and the true meaning of Samhain. I also happen to live up the road from the prefect town of New Hope, one of the most haunted towns in the country, along with most of this area. I don't even mind living next to a very old cemetery. Don't get me started on horror movies either. It's all I have been watching. The old cult, cheesy classics, right through to the scary as hell and gory. But one thing I can't do are those haunted houses.


Not that I mind a real haunted house. I don't, and have lived in two haunted places, one being my current. No, Im talking about those haunted house attractions. Recently fellow blogger Shirley,  over at Boots and Braids did a post about one of those neighborhood pop up attractions and it brought up some memories.... and it apparently had her in hysterics, like so many who were that fateful night. So I promised I would post the story for her. Now I fine with them, if you sit in a car on a track and it guides you threw without any contact. The ones where you go threw, and walk, and people or things pop out unexpected  or people grab you is a different story. I hate that. Against my better judgement one year, we went to one in a old mansion, that had been set up just for the purpose of one said attraction and scene. A bunch of my friends talked me into it, getting me liquored up, thinking it would change my mind. And it did. The one time I didn't forgive my dearly beloved gin. The line to get into the mansion was long. As we're in line, I could see some existing from behind the house white and shaking, and  I was already getting anxiety. I didn't know we would be walking this, I though it was a ride. By time we entered I was a huge, drunken bundle of nerves. The inside was much darker then I expected.

Well, to late now, I was paid and in and the tour started. The further in it got gory looking, screaming, the odd chain saw sounds and the such. Room by room, I would get more nervous.  I barley made it through the first floor without sounding like Anne Marie every five seconds...with my adrenaline, anxiety, and gin pumping. Many were chuckling at my swearing and my angst I believe.  Upon getting up the staircase and around the corner into a hall, a ghoul or deformed pumpkin head popped out,  and grab my arm, and something grabbed my ankle. WELL that was it! I started screaming and swearing at the top of my lungs. Feets, don't fail me now!!! I know I hit the ghoul off me when he wouldn't let go, and even told him I was not above getting my flask out and giving him a good crack with it... and then shoved it off, turned and started going out,  the in way, against a cattle shoot of people. The whole way out I was cussing and yelling for people to "Get the fuck out of my way bitches!!! In the meantime was treated to a few more pops of surprise and would have liked to think I was going to pass out. After one last scare,  let's just say my water broke...and was sweating like a whore in church. One of the attendants grabbed me and told me you can't go that way, in which I replied "Fuck you.... I'm going out this way,  tough shit! You can take your scares and shove them up your ass." I finally existed the house after knocking over two girls near the entrance. It was the longest 10 minutes of commotion, cussing, and scene I ever made. Needless to say my group was laughing there ass off when they got out, found me in half wet cords, and told me many were talking about a guy going ballistic inside and hit one of the ghouls. I was told in no uncertain term to not return. 

Just a little bit embarrassing. I was 36 at the time. 
And the flask was never the same again. 

51 comments:

  1. I’m with you. I HATE HATE HATE those haunted houses where people/ghouls grab you. Keep your fucking hands to yourself if you don’t want to get them broken! I, therefore, refuse to enter any gimmick haunted house. A real one, on the other hand, would be fascinating. I remember reading in a collection of gay erotica a story about a haunted house (bed and breakfast) and the stud that visited a guest one night.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This might be the best story I've ever read on your blog! Hahahahaha!!!! I laughed all the way through it. Thanks Maddie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Im glad to give you a gut buster Jen! I too can look back now and laugh. I still can't believe how off the rails I went.

      Delete
  3. probably if I had been with your friends, I would have laughed at you too! Still it was a fun story, at least to read!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But I bet you would have comforted me later Xersex!!!!

      Delete
  4. I wasn't sure what you meant when I read the words "sounding like Anne Marie every five seconds." Then I thought about it. Oh, yes. I agree and I can only imagine her words.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I feel Anne Marie would have loved my words that day. A fine selection of cuss words with verbs.

      And I hope you having a Happy Birthday Todd!!! I must call you this weekend.

      Delete
  5. Oh, they shouldn't have touched you... that is totally against the rules. Serious liability issues arise. Sorry that happened to you,, dear. I go through those and scream and giggle like a ninny. The only ones I like are the tableaux... where you get to absorb the scene. There's a group in Minneapolis who does something every year in the basement of this old warehouse... talented group. They go for psychological scares and the performers will corner you, but they cannot touch you and they have to let you pass by. I went three times, it was very different each time. Most terrifying was a 1950's Xmas tableau with a drunken, dirty Santa, a girl 'child' (very Baby Jane), and a Stepford wife offering inedible xmas goodies. Squalid and tainted and very, very disturbing. The actors were very good... and I was quite shaken. Thanks for sharing your story. Very traumatic. Kizzes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had heard they couldn't touch now, but when they first came out I don't know what the rules were. I figured if they were going to grab me, at least grab my ass or basket, then let's get a room!

      Delete
  6. I like haunted houses, their fun. I did a haunted cave once, and that was fun! But then I also like the rush of adrenaline.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A haunted cave and I , I surmise would so not be good.

      Delete
  7. Holy moly, you trouble maker! Swear off that demon gin!

    ReplyDelete
  8. This slayed me, though the best line of all, and I'm still chuckling:

    "I was 36 at the time."

    Personally, I like chills and thrills and scares but do not like blood and guts and gore, so I also avoid those types of places!

    ReplyDelete
  9. You tell a great yarn! I wouldn't have gone in unless under the influence of gin either.
    I'm a great big coward. There's enough scary stuff in the world without going looking for it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love my gin, but it seems to get me into things occassionally...good or bad! LMAO!!!!!

      Delete
    2. I agree Christina...there is enough scary material to work with as it is. I bet the Mistress has even more stories.

      Delete
  10. OMG!! That was a great story. I laughed tears to my eyes and a runny nose. They didn't have to tell you not to come back. You obviously couldn't get out fast enough. And ... what do you mean you live in a haunted house?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope your not to wet???

      Well when I first moved into my current place, I would have lights go off and on, the stereo would come on in the middle of the night, even when it was unplugged. It would be plugged back in and on high volume. Things would move or slide. And my containers of filled wicker balls would "jump" from said vessels, and roll down the hallway. I had a friend at the time, who is now passed on that delt with such things, and she felt it was the spirit of a young child who might have apparently followed me from my previous place, as the same things there occurred. After about two years of shits and giggles, it all stopped. My friend Judy suspected the spirits all of a sudden came to peace. It was unnerving but cool at the same time. And how do you explain to police when they show up why there is a party going on in the middle of the night with complaint of loud music???? They would think I was nuts. But they surely saw I wasn't having a party and had been sleeping. I told them my stereo had a short in it.

      Delete
    2. Im with you Shirley! Thanks for twisting the Mistress's arm to tell the tale. Now where are my tissues?

      Delete
    3. WOW! It was brave of you to stick it out for two years. I'm Black. We get the hell out post haste.

      Delete
  11. ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a priceless story!!!! I was laughing the whole way threw too. I can just see the whole thing unfold. And all the chaos in the house with you trying to go out in the in.!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to Shirley for poking you to spills the beans.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think thats the funny part to me...these actors are trying to work, and this scene, and here Im am causing all kinds of hell, mayhem and chaos.

      Delete
  12. shit, i know how you get when people touch you without permission outside of a haunted house. unless they are grabbing your dick.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Had that happen, I still may be in the haunted house.

      Delete
  13. Nope. You wouldn't and couldn't pay me enough to go in one. I would need two layer of Depends. I needed two layers of Depends just from hearing the story. I must admit I did get a good chuckle at your expense even these years later.!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. I really enjoyed your Halloween "adventure" and the way you described it I could picture the whole thing. Hilarious!
    I'm also very interested in hearing more about your genuine haunted house experiences. I am a believer, because I've had numerous experiences of my own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will have to post if I get a chance. Shirley, I too believe, wants to hear that one now too. Your a good ghost teller too Jon. You'd be great here in New Hope as the Ghost Tour guide that goes through town, because you love the history so much which make the stories even better.

      Delete
  15. Oh, I needed this laugh first thing in the morning. This was hysterical!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Bet our graveyard is older than yours!

    I think it most unkind to laugh at someone in distress; I can totally understand why you freaked out - I would too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh im sure yours is older. The earliest tombstone date i could make out was 1797...and just barely. The last date someone seemed to be interned was 1959.

      Delete
  17. Terrific collection of houses.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Loverly houses. But, also, no haunted
    houses for me either!
    xoxo :-)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm still cackling. You are me, darling.
    I have not been to a haunted house. Never. Don't think about going to any. Or any of those Haunted Rides. Fuck that.
    I love the houses you posted, though. Love them

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Should we skip the haunted house and stay in for a night of horror movies viewing and snuggles?!?!

      Delete
  20. I laughed so hard! OMG that was hilarious! And I totally get it, too - I was also grabbed and held in a haunted house! I was in grade school. I lost my shit so bad I only remember a vague shape 'hanging' from the ceiling suddenly coming to life, and then I was assaulted from behind, and finally released once I started to cry and scream. The next thing I knew I was outside next to the cotton candy stand, and to this day I cannot stand the smell of that shit because it reminds me of that day. As for living in a haunted house? Noooooooo baby. I was raised old-school Catholic. That shit is very real to me and I want no part of it - even though I don't believe in it. This is another benefit of Catholicism- it allows you to entertain absurd, diametrically opposed beliefs without any mental conflict whatsoever!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well it' a good thing there wasn't the smell of sex and glory holes then with this night, otherwise I might have equated sex with fright and screaming and horror!!!! Never having sex again.

      The whatever it, was is lucky I didn't punch him square in the chops girl.

      Delete
    2. That too was hilarious, Steve. But to frighten a child like that, not funny at all. My twin daughters loved going to haunted houses from a young age. ME ... it was a sacrifice when I took them to their first but, the minute I stepped in, I freaked out, buried my head in the back of whichever twin was in front of me, held her shoulders and screamed into her back, eyes closed, all the way through. After that, I'd let them go in one door by themselves, wait at the other end to make sure they came out. I think they were 10 years old.

      Delete
    3. I'm with all three of you. I won't go in one again either.

      Delete
  21. AHAHAHA -- I don't want to laugh at your pain, but I will! Seriously, you couldn't get me into one of those haunted houses or gory horror films at gunpoint!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't feel bad, I can laugh at it now too toots!

      Delete
  22. I love haunted houses! I should have went with you baby, I would have held you tight!!! wink! I to can't help but laugh, but it's the way you tell the story. No really!!! I did laugh pretty good. Will you go into one now?

    ReplyDelete
  23. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHAHA!!!!!! I so would needed that laugh today! And I too would have slapped some bitch silly if I had been there. I don't like any haunted house, even the ones you ride on. But I can't help but laugh LOLLOL,LOL,LOL.......

    ReplyDelete
  24. I burst into laughter when I got to "Get the fuck out of my way bitches." I wish I had seen that, but I couldn't get drunk enough to go to one of those things.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  25. I posted a comment, but I don’t see it. Probably forget to hit PUBLISH. Anyway, I’m with you 100%. I hated those “amusements” where anyone put their hands on me and, after the first haunted house where I experienced that, I never entered another. I’m sure it’s no longer allowed.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I like other had a real good laugh at the scenario. I can just hear all the laughter!! I too am not fond of those haunted houses. As a matter of fact the last one I was in was in Philly at the old penitentiary right off 95. Excuse me, but that was some fucked shit in there. I haven't been back in one since.

    But I too love Halloween and scary movies, go figure.

    ReplyDelete
  27. So, does this mean we won't be going to a haunted house on your visit?????

    ReplyDelete
  28. Absolutely great haunted house images…and such a great story! You are an absolutely marvelous storyteller…and this story was riveting!!! I feel like it was tagging along with you. I totally appreciate your reaction add consistent return to the entrance walking against the flow of traffic.
    Admittedly, I laughed as I read the story – it really is funny - although I generally do not approve of schadenfreude. Most importantly it’s good that you can look back and laugh at it yourself. Thanks for sharing and adding a new perspective on a haunted house visit from hell!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thanks for sharing this funny story, it must have been so frightening! I think you did the right thing going back, who knows what else could have happened! I immensely enjoy a good horror movie, but IRL not so much, brrr! I had a good laugh, sorry for that :D :D

    ReplyDelete
  30. I think I would have been right behind you Mistress.

    ReplyDelete
  31. *Makes note never to go on a haunted house themed walk-through*
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  32. This was indeed a marvelous read.
    I would love to see a haunted house. I never seem to be around one when I want one.

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead darling, tell me something fabulous!