Wednesday, April 30, 2014

A GLAMOROUS NEW YOU

I have often been asked," Mistress, why is it people find you so glamorous?" Well, I tell you, it  is easy and one doesn't really need to spend much money, except for maybe a few basic staple pieces. I'll let you all in on some of my steps to being glamorous.....

         
Faint a Lot
There is nothing more glamorous than fainting into the arms of some handsome man while you wear your most elegant frock.

Make sure that Everything out of your mouth is a line from a Grace Kelly movie

Just memorize Rear Window and To Catch A Thief and you're set. Of course, you'll have a hard time actually communicating with people since nothing you say will be in context, or they will just think your drunk, but whatever, your words will be too elegant for anyone to care.

Strike a Pose
 
Whether your at the office, in the park, at dinner with friends, or having drinks, and especially  when you have the hottie your interested in over, always sit or stance in glamorous, seductive poses. And before bed, the above is a regular pose for the Mistress. Hey, if you want him to know there is steak for dinner, you got to let him hear the sizzle!
 

Take photos in front of luxury cars that you definitely don't own

Make sure to explain how all of those cars you're being photographed with are either yours or some family member's. Of course, run away from the scene if you catch the owner of the car running towards you.

 

 
Tell people that you're wearing designer clothes at any opportunity
 
Of course, you have to say this with an air of carelessness. "Oh, I do hope that my Chanel sunglasses don't scratch." Of course, they're not Chanel. You bought them at Claire's a few years ago but nobody has to know that.

 

Hats,Hats,Hats

The Mistress firmly believes in big, huge, glamorous hats, the kind that yourself and four houseboys can fit under at once. Day, night, doesn't matter to me. Hats scream glamor. And with me it's bigger the better. Go big or go home I say!

 
Sunnies
 
Sunglasses of all style are a automatic touch of glam, so much sure you have various styles and shapes. They not only give a air of glam and mystery, but you can also check out all the hunks without them knowing.
 
 

Listen to 'Glamorous' By Fergie every morning

Best motivation. This is your new hymn.
 

Snatch the emblem from the hood of some fancy car and stick it onto yours

I heard that a combination of hot glue and duct tape will really do the trick and help it stick. You'll be rollin' up everywhere lookin' fly. " What? That's not a Saturn, it's a limited edition Jag, darling, only 20 were ever made!
 
 

Wear your pets around your shoulders

It's the closest thing you've got to rocking a Cruella Deville dalmatian coat, okay. Work with what you've got.


Would the Mistress steer you wrong? Now lets all have a G&T shall we?

 

26 comments:

  1. Thanks for the tips, I can't wait....



    .... OH, sorry, I fainted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know a good dentist if you chipped your teeth.

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  2. I don’t even remember when I began my descent into frumpiness, it’s been that long! I am going to take your advice and do a little inventory on myself. It’s never too late to become glam right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never. You'll be dropping gold bricks before long.

      Delete
  3. Remind me Mistress not my bring my Benz to the Casa.

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  4. Fainting? That would explain why your naked in bed with men all the time.

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  5. I stopped being glamorous when I got married and tried to do too much. Every time I read your blog, a little bit of glamour creeps back I to my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a nice compliment! Did you just read that from a fortune cookie?

      Delete
  6. Do you think these tips would work for lesbians, Mistress? Alas, me neither.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't underestimate the power of a skin tight sweater and some cat eye glasses, emerging from a Suburban.

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  7. I love how you have inspired me to accomplish the task of bringing some glamour back into my life. Of course, my gin intake has also gone up.

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  8. Mistress, your glamour ...personified!

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  9. More great advice from the Mistress, but we're not sure that our pussies would look glam around our necks?

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  10. So if I get a wide brim, take a picture in front of a designer car and then faint, I should be glamorous? Will I get boys like you then?

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  11. Doesn't it make you nervous to be in the same room with thousands of dollars worth of diamonds, and unable to touch them?

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  12. You make it sound all so easy don't you?

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  13. I expand my vocabulary by quoting both Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn.
    Reading some of these comments has made me rather sad though. I think we should tour the country and give seminars. Maybe we can make enough money for our trip to Buenos Aires. While I wait for your response, I will go and refresh my glass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm responding, are you drunk yet? I agree with a tour, and why not start in south America?

      Delete
  14. Yes, we shall have a G & T over this!

    I love my Holly Golightly-esque sunglasses. They have black/purple tinted lenses.

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  15. Well you know the Mistress and her huge wide brims at the pool are legendary here in town, and what goes on under them!

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  16. Mistress, you crack me up! But everytime I faint people just let me lie there and stare.

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  17. No wonder I can't understand you, your speaking Grace Kelly! Now I'm off to practice my fainting.

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  18. This is almost true as funny as it is! I always try to be glamorous for my man! I don't want him straying!

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Go ahead darling, tell me something fabulous!

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