Do you like being alone or mind being single if you are?
Between having dinner with friends the other day, a gay couple who give me shit all the time to meet and settle down, or trying to match me up, I also got two emails recently asking if being alone bothers me. This came as Uptonking asked his weekly question of what's your greatest accomplishment? All these things come together. I think it is very healthy to be alone for so much time a day, with either hobbies, listening to music, watch movies, reading, gardening, walking in silence, or just hanging around your house. As I answered Uptonking to his question, independence is my greatest accomplishment... upon coming out, I always seemed to be either dating someone, or being in a relationship, lasting anywhere from 6 months to 14 years. While two of those ended on good notes, and wouldn't trade any of that time, I was in new territory when I came out of the last relationship. Being alone and not attached. But now I have embraced my independence, maybe too much. I love my independence fiercely, no one to answer to, get home when I want, go to happy hour after work, do what I want, take off when I want, and pleasure myself without another half getting jealous. Deep down, and cards on the table, I think I excel and enjoy life more as an individual unit, I'm more outgoing, more wild, I flourish, more adventurous, and I have to take care of myself, I'm my own boss. When I met the Lad, it was heaven sent! He is almost a clone of me, with his outlooks and having alone time and it seems to work great. It's now been 11 years since we met and that's long distance, and always has been.
As far as I'm concerned, alone time...you have got to have some, at least some time to be alone. I love people, I have more friends and acquaintances, and I spend a great deal of time with them. I like to know as many people as I can. But I have to be alone sometime. those two things go together. This doesn't mean I seen through people, or I only pretend I like people, or hate people when really sometimes, I want to be alone at times, That doesn't mean I don't want to be around people, as I have given myself utterly in one way or another to everybody, all the time. But I get exhausted, happily exhausted mind you. There is time when I need to be alone, or I go away by myself in order to renew myself. It's like going to a dressing room to take a breath. You can't be on stage all day of everyday, maybe nearly all day of everyday more like. Being alone is not bad. I rather think alone time is a good thing.
It was glorious today as I was off with a personal day, and in the garden. Alone.
Oh!!!! And it was hump day already, so Happy Hump Day!!!
I love it!!! I get it too. The boy does overnights with being a nurse, so he goes in at 8pm till 6am. I love having my own along time to clear the mind do what I want, and just relax, in quite sometimes.
ReplyDeleteAnd what is wrong with being Independant and not settling down? Your friends, that couple need to stop. They mean well, but not everyone wants to be in a relationship or married. Hell, I'm still getting used to being married. As long as you are happy, that is all that matters.
Now bring that cake HERE!
I know you get it. And I'm not sure I do want to settle down again. I have no qualms about being the Samantha Jones . Here's your cakes...but I forgot the whipped cream.
DeleteI love being alone. I totally get where you're coming from in this post! As much as I love my husband, and love spending time with him, he retired a few months ago and I almost never have the house all to myself anymore. I'm still trying to figure out how to have more alone time without hurting his feelings.
ReplyDeleteYes, that can get awkward. In my last long term, it just worked out with the ex-working long hours in politics, and then often having night classes, so it gave me time to myself. When my mother retired, my father drove her nuts. She went back to work again!!!!
DeleteI think there's "alone" and there's "lonely."
ReplyDeleteOne isn't bad, but the other can be.
That's it exactly!!!!! And people and friends just assume I'm lonely, because of being single, which it not the case. They get the too confused. But luckily for me, being independent helps with me having alone time.
DeleteLoved this post. I'm alone a lot during the week, and people always say, what a shame your alone.... like whatever. There are 2 types of people, those who get energized and their batteries charged by them, and some where their batteries wear out and need recharging. I hear you loud and clear. I need and want my alone time. And when it comes to dating, that is fine, but I too think I'm very selfishly independent, and couldn't settle down now if I wanted. I'm still having fun.
ReplyDeleteWhen Memorial Day hit here is P-town, I have no time to myself and can't go anywhere without tons of people. I always love when Labor Day comes and the town returns to us locals again. Nice post. So true. I value my aloneness when I find it ❤️
ReplyDeleteYour cakes...a preview for the boys in the dick dock?
Well as long as your happy, I say ignore the critics. I think you have this thing called life down to a science. And yes, they are confusing loneliness and being alone. Besides you have a huge extended family. Nothing wrong with being the popular town bachelor! My GP recently asked if I was happy living alone…. I said unfortunately, I’m too happy 😂. Not that I didn't love my dearly departed William.... but I do enjoy being alone and no plans to marry again. I mean a bride again at 87?
ReplyDelete"There is time when I need to be alone, or I go away by myself in order to renew myself. It's like going to a dressing room to take a breath. You can't be on stage all day of everyday, maybe nearly all day of everyday more like. Being alone is not bad. I rather think alone time is a good thing."
ReplyDeletePerfectly put! And so is that fine hump day salutation.
After some a random post I figured you all need a wakeup call.
DeleteOh I see. Your getting cheeky again! I like.
ReplyDelete“Alone time” is a must thing for self-development and I think it's heathy.
Tundra Bunny here...
ReplyDeleteI've always valued my independence too much to give it up. Some of the loneliest people I've ever known or worked with were married (men and women) and it always amazed me the amount of bullshit they put up with just so they wouldn't be alone. Like being single is a fate worse than death or something! I'd rather be happy alone than unhappy in a relationship.
I agree Tundra, you sound like many here too! This post was always inspired by a friend who needs to have all his hours doing something or being with someone. I said do you ever spend time alone? He said why and be lonely? Which is why he borderlines burn out.
DeleteAnd the being single. That great Mae West said it-"Marriage is a great institution, but who wants to be in an institution."
I realized a long time ago that I was going to be single for the rest of my life. Giving up my independence would be nearly impossible. Dear Lord, just because you're not in a relationship doesn't mean you haven't settled down.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more. While I know I can be in a relationship, I also don't think everyone is cut out to be in one either. I think now I'd have a very hard struggle to give any of my independence up. And I love my alone time.
DeleteI agree! Solitude, alone time, independence -- valuable components to a life well lived, I think.
ReplyDeleteMy greatest accomplishment is, after being trapped in the home by my mentally/physically abusive ex for days, as he pondered murdering me because I’d voiced I’d had enough and was leaving, I played it cool, did the best acting performance of my life, managed to convince him that I, with no money, no job, twin six old babies to care for, no place to go, had no choice but to stay in the relationship, try to work it out with him. Whereupon he felt, once more in control, it was safe for him to go back to work. (He’d taken the week off, drinking, working himself up to murdering me). Now that he was back in control, ready to go back to work, he told me to go to the cleaners about four blocks away, pick up his cop uniform. I feigned cramps from what had been a difficult pregnancy and delivery, did another good acting job of pleading with him, that I’d appreciate if he picked up his uniform himself. He acquiesced and when I heard his car hit the end of the driveway, I grabbed my two babies and fled in the clothes we had on our backs. First stop was the bank because although he never let me have money, what he did was to give me signed blank checks to fill out in payment of utilities and groceries. I’d planned ahead and kept one signed check for when I’d planned to escape. I took that check to the bank, took out half of what was in the account ($5,000) and went on my merry. To this day, I wish I’d taken it all. At any rate, though I’ve had my fair share of relationships since … actually more than my fair share, my goal was to not fall into that trap again. Just enjoy myself, raise my children on my own, and now to enjoy the peace, harmony, solitude I’ve been blessed with. I love living alone, being alone, the freedom from entanglement, having control of the remote, not having to compromise, ask permission, not having to give up or share my time/attention/bed with useless fucks.
ReplyDeleteWOW! What a story and firstly.... so glad you got out and had the bravely and strength to do so. Secondly, thank you so much for sharing such a private story, Shirley. You are so bad ass! I'm so glad you were here to tell your story and that is quite an accomplishment. And if just one person would happen upon here and see this and get the courage to do the same, it's all worth telling the story. HERE HERE Shirley! And a cop no less!!!!! It reminds me of a similar situation with a coworker I had years ago.
Delete"as I have given myself utterly in one way or another to everybody"
ReplyDeleteand im going to let that golden opportunity pass. i mean, pay day is tomorrow.
I wondered when the peanut gallery was showing up.
DeleteSo often, people in miserable relationships don’t appreciate how much better being single can be. I knew one couple who were married for more than 25 years. The were so unkind to each other and fought and bickered constantly. But they were smug about being in a “committed” relationship. It was awful to be around them and we finally ended our friendship. THEY finally divorced after all those years of misery.
ReplyDeleteI know MANY couples like this. Which is why some of them and I were more intimate. It's how I met them, initially and we just happen to stay friends. They too said they were in "committed relationships but kept this side under wraps. But that's another story and topic. But in general, alone time is very heathy, I think.
DeleteMy alone time is one of my guilty pleasures, right next to chocolate and ice cream. I burn out being around people constantly.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy my alone time because I feel at peace - it's the only way to recharge my batteries. I love having the house to myself.
ReplyDeleteSx
Im the same way. Now if the beach were closer, it would even be better.
DeleteLike you, Maddie, I love being alone. I love the peace & quiet and being able to do (or not do) what I want when I want.
ReplyDeleteAs for independence, my partner died 11 years ago now, and I haven't felt the need to nab another since. Although, if the right man came along and he worked away a lot, had his own house and didn't mind living apart, then maybe...
I had no idea you were partnered!!!!! This is a tidbit I don't think you ever mentioned. You sound a lot like me. I think people get shocked when they find out I like to be alone part of the day, since I'm most times otherwise very social. But my tall glass of water.... what about our time in the gincuzzi?
DeleteAnd now that I think about it, I work away a lot, live in a separate house and don't mind living apart... * checks airfare to UK*
I didn't mention SP much on my blog, but he was the reason for the dip in posts between 2009 and 2013.
DeleteOf course, our gincuzzi time is a welcome exception to alone time. Sounds like we're perfect for each other!
I can't remember when I checked in to your blog, but how interesting. I hope it wasn't a bad split. I hate to hear about nice, sweet people getting used and treated nasty. You can tell me all about it...I'll get the cock-a-tails, you fire up the gincuzzi, and tell me the whole sordid story.... whilst I rub your shoulders.
DeleteI think we're going to have to get these two a room!!! LOL!!
Delete*Sneaks back out of the room*
Back in the 80's there were a series of books exploring being alone vs being lonely. You are far from lonely. You enjoy life, you are settled down in your way. We give one another a lot of space and time.
ReplyDeleteOh, babes.
ReplyDeleteOne more way we are similar: I love my 'me' time. I have also been in relationships most of my life, but the ones that have worked better are the ones that let me room to breathe. I need time to watch my movies, and read my books and just be me.
And you are right: there's a big difference between being gloriously alone and miserably lonely.
XOXO
I tell you....we either would have been very good friends, fucking like rabbits, or FWB's!!!!
DeleteI like meeting up with friends and family, but in between being alone is peaceful and calming. One without the other can mean too much of a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThat's right they do work together. It's also why in the winter right after the New Years I go into a hibernation of sorts. Friends know better than to request from me to many appearances. I like to use the winter to recharge.
DeleteWhen I traveled --- for weeks at a time --- it was dinner out (alone), movies (alone), or sightseeing (alone). I actually loved it. Now, as I see single friends traveling, going to events and such, I do get a bit jealous because the wife since Covid doesn't want to eat out or go to a movie. I hit a play every few weeks (alone), and attend a writer's group twice a week.
ReplyDeleteI swear, If I lived closer, we would so be hanging out. Pun intended!!!! Plus, the movies and shows.
DeleteI think everyone, regardless of relationship status, needs time alone as well human interaction, too, be it romantic, physical, or platonic. The key is to find the ideal amount of each for yourself and do what you can to cultivate that balance.
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteI love solitude, and now that my brother is back next door I have precious few hours of it to myself.
ReplyDeleteI think you're going to need a tee shirt that reads no rest for the weary.
DeleteHonestly, coming to terms with my sexuality (which I did far too late in life, and not recommended) would have been impossible had I not embraced a certain solitude.
ReplyDeleteI agree with that. I think I knew extremely young I was gay, I just didn't have a word for it. But when many spend time by themselves with solitude like you did, they discover themselves.
DeleteI love being by myself which is not the same as being alone. However I know how important it is to have regular others contact. I do a good job balancing this.
ReplyDelete