Well not really. If I go wassailing with the neighbor ladies you just may be praying to hear Mariah Scary screeching that song of hers!!!! But this photo was taking years ago, when I and Ms Moorecock were on the set of a little known holiday play called Holiday Cheer. We were discovered by Roslyn Kind one night at a club, when she was hanging out with Lorna Luft, both of them putting them back, and bitching about their sisters. For you kids that don't know, Roselyn Kind is the younger half sister of Barbara Streisand, and Lorna Luft is the sister of Liza Minnelli. Well, she came up and told us we had the perfect look to play rabbinical students in a key scene in a holiday play that her sister was putting on. Well, we didn't get the parts, but instead got the parts of dancing sugar plums in a segment of the Nutcracker. Well...yours truly really messed up. I was so drunk from the night before, that I threw up inside the sugar plum costume, fell, and then rolled across the stage and into Roselyn Kind, who proceeded to knock over the huge Nutcracker that fell onto Streisand, who to say, wasn't happy. Needless to say we left the production, ending what could have been my huge stage career. Meanwhile Babs was so livid, she called off the whole production. But here I am now, as a pamphlet writer, in these difficult times. After the last pamphlet for Thanksgiving, 30 Ways to Make Those Thanksgiving Left-Overs Last in A Pandemic and Crafting, failed, Im back with my newest one just in time for the holidays!
The first thing you have to remember is don't panic. Just because we are in a pandemic doesn't mean you can't be fashionable for the season. One of the easiest things to do is just wear a Santa hat with a sprig of holly on it. If you don't have a Santa hat, use a Christmas stocking and shove your head in that. Or if you want, use a pair of stockings, although, people might think your going to hold them up. And don't forget your mask. I don't trust these bitches, so I have been double masking and even went a step further and put poisonous poinsettias in the front.
And while your at it, don't forget to enjoy a cock-a-tail while getting ready. It's cold outside. Now if your like me, you probably forgot where all your winter capes are packed, or are to lazy to go find them. Don't fear. Just go over to the tree and whip off that tree skirt! Not only can you wrap it around and pin with a favorite brooch, it can be worn as a scarf, a skirt, and comes in real handy when your playing a game of bull and matador with your houseboys.
And don't forget to wear protective eye wear and gloves. The gloves come in real handy when you have a drink that sweats. Hell, since they almost go to my elbows, Id even consider wearing them to the opera one day. And when it comes to hats, there always in fashion. One festive thing that is fun is to wear a knit hat, the then stuff through the little holes pine branches. Before you know it, you have a small Christmas tree on your head!!!! How fun! If your brave enough, why not add a few balls to it.
And do you realize that Christmas balls make for great earrings?!?! Or take a ball or if your religious, the baby Jeebus and hot glue to an exiting ring. What a statement! If you really want attention while out shopping, string together hundreds of jingle bells and make a statement necklace of multiple tiers and matching bracelets and just watch the attention you get. I have also taken honey, and then stuck almond brittle to my neck to do a necklace and let the boys and passer bys eat from it, but the fun stopped this year because of the 6ft rule...but why not do it anyhow for your loved one? Nothing says good sex like including almond brittle.
You'll just have to send for the pamphlet for the complete guide, I don't want to spoil all the surprise and delights. It should hit rest stops, bookstores, and bus stations next week. And now is not time to be skimpy with the hooch either. I take my gallon bottle every where. Nice for a quick tipple, or to sprinkle on fingers to kill any Covid-19 germs. And of course a nice cock-a-tail.
Hell, I don't need glasses, I drink right from the bottle!
And you'll all you be relived I turned down my invitation to trumps Christmas Covid Mingle and Spread Party last night. 1- I really didn't want to show up Melania with my festive ensemble, and two, I just still can't face Lady G since the lawn mower clandestine. But I pray trump got my note and gift of a 10 ft mixture of pines spray I personally picked. I told him it is a little known secret by shoveling pine boughs up your ass, pinecones included, will protect and cure one from getting corvid. I've not heard back yet.
And last , remember most of all....
