MCCONNELL RESURFACES!!!!

After weeks of speculation that his unexplained hospital stay signaled a serious health decline, Mitch McConnell, now known as Mitzy, stunned reporters by emerging looking decades younger, radiant, almost glamorous, and sporting what onlookers unanimously agreed was an absolutely flawless gender-affirming procedure.

Upon being informed that Senator Lindsay Graham had passed away during her hospitalization, McConnell reportedly glanced down admiringly and replied, " It's a shame he had to miss these fantastic puppies."

Meanwhile Hegseth is inquiring where the cocktail wiener sized cock went too.