Sundays around here are usually about Brunch with the clan. I tend to go twice a month. I do like myself I good "sleep in" the other three Sundays. Today, the Russian and I went to meet the clan for some Bloody Marys and some Eggs Benedict and all the usual gossip. And boy did the surrounding tables get a hearful. Somehow the topic came up about two being company ,and is three a crowd, and monogamous relationships. Most at the table felt monogamy isn't possible, and feel that in the gay world, no matter how committed a couple appears to be, or how beautiful their life together looks, or even how perfect they seem, there always seems to be the threat of infidelity lurking in the background. and men don't really seem interested in sticking with just one person. The one guy at the table revealed that he is having some difficulties with his partner, who recently cheated. The other gay clan around the table began to laugh and suggested that he just wait. They told him that once he gets older, he will understand that we men generally can't be monogamous. They weren't arguing that it isn't possible, because there are those rare birds who never cheat in any way, but that monogamy may be too much to ask of anyone, and that everyone will have moments of lust or desire, and that engaging in sexual activities outside the relationship doesn't mean that you love your partner any less.
Then it came to me. The colorful one most times. In most my cases, when in a committed relationship it was between just me and my partner, but in one case we did open the bedroom door for some kink with a third. But being on both side of the fence, I though it better to be the lucky Pierre going in, then part of the couple. If I'm committed, I generally like it being just me and that person only. My one friend gave me a look of quite surprise... like I was Robespierre loping off the head of Marie Antoinette You say this while dating three guys? And then he added my triad relationship I had years ago, but that's another story. I explained when the boy- toy and I split up after 10 years, I didn't want to settle back down right away, and now, I'm not in a exclusive relationship, plus I'm honest with my partners up front as to how much I want to offer right now. but the debate continued if men could be monogamous or not. The one couple at the table love each other deeply but both have side action and are honest with each other when it happens and also have a open bedroom. Others at the table had a problem with that. So it seemed at the table everybody was all across the table on the issue of monogamy in gay relationships and can men in general, gay or straight, be monogamous and what about the threesomes issue. Is it better to have them together or do a separate thing?
I said all I know is when I'm commited, I'm commited. But right now, I won't lie, I enjoy the company of men, and good old fashion flirting is healthy. so there, that's it. I went back to enjoying my Bloody Mary. What do you think? Can men really be monogamous? And does it matter if there is real love and trust? In some cases sex is just sex, was their point.
I lively coversation indeed. I've been in 2 relationships, one was 6 years and one is going on 16 and before these 2 relationships I dated, thats what people do when they can't or wont commit to another person and i feel for all partys involved that if you can't be satisfied with one person don't put yourself or anyone else through all the drama by setting up house and know you either can't or refuse to be faithful ? unless it's a mutual decision between both people.
ReplyDeleteThe age old question.....Im probably not the one to ask, since so many men have cheated behind my back. I do agree though gay, straight their the same.
ReplyDeletewell I have never been in a serious realtionship so I can't answer but I am amazed at how many guys come on to me, or want to hook up, and they have boyfirends or are in long term relationships. And they are bold about with their other half right in the same room. Meanwhile how was the brunch?
ReplyDeletethe eggs were alittle well done.....
DeleteSame here. While out it amazes me how many guy hit on me and their boyfriend or other half is like two feet away with no idea.
Deletefeel like a lot of gay people make the mistake of not really 'dating'... a lot of us miss this period of exploration in high school, and then want to immediately shack up with someone because they are basically their first real crush. i get why it happens: as gay men we have 5% of the dating pool that the rest of the population gets. when something even remotely close to what we are looking for comes along, we have the tendency to go for it completely. unfortunate a little bit longer dating period would probably show the incompatibilities in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteI so agree with this. It's like have fun when your single and get it out of your sysytem. But I can see a random like, once or twice, threesome ,just to add kink to the bedroom.
DeleteI think your on to something. Some people keep telling this minx to settle down. But after 10 years with the ex, where we had a very nice realationship, and I would never trade my memories or the time, I need this time to have fun and have a period of exploration again as you say. Then I want to be exclusive again. And then there's allllll the houseboys to tend with.......
DeleteAs the old bat and old fashioned one, with all the views at brunch I think I like your view. When your committed, your committed. When you dating it's different. And your honest about enjoying men,lol! But in a relationship, if you can't love one person, why bother. That's just my view darling. But to each their own, if it works for them.
ReplyDeleteTriad realtionship? I want to hear more!
ReplyDeleteDITTO!
Deleteyes I agree, that does sound intresting.
DeleteMaybe one day if I have too much gin I'll do a post on it.
DeleteAfter meeting you, you were so cool and very feeling ,so it wouldn't surprise me if you had a traid.
DeleteMy partner and I are deeply committed to one another. And love each other dearly We've also came to the mutual decision that we'll incorporate others into our sex lives, but together. Has that brought jealousy? Yes. But we've also recognized that jealousy is the product of believing you have ownership of another person. If we feel jealous, we talk about it, our needs are addressed, and we go from there. Opening up our relationship has also opened whole new lines of communication that, frankly, have strenghtened our relationship significantly. When we were monogamous, we had a very, very rocky foundation. Now we're both addressing one anothers' needs, discussing how to relate to other people, and checking in with one another periodically. It works well, and we're better people, and a stronger couple, for it.
ReplyDeleteMy partner and I are in a stable, loving, passonate relationship for 12+ years now and monogamy has nothing to do with it. Honesty and truth have been our guide and fidelity has been the hearth of our love.
ReplyDeleteFidelity can and does allow for interludes with others outside our union. When such moments arise it is the truth and forthright honesty that makes it all sing in harmony.
As a perpetually single guy, I would love a stable monogamous relationship. I tried that once but he cheated (or at least I suspect he cheated). I have also been the third brought into a relationship for fun. And I've been "the other man" more times that I am happy to admit. I believe that we - as gay men - cannot be monogamous. We're animals. And most animals do not mate for life. And this brings us to the marriage equality question... if we are granted equal rights are the courts ready for OUR 72 day marriages?
ReplyDeleteLawyers all over will be rich.
DeleteI've never understood the fascination gay men have with random sex. I've been with my husband for 10 years, and I couldn't be happier. To me, sex is far more fulfilling when it's paired with emotional connection. And with what Behmark said, Marriage Equality has got to worry about those kinds of relationships hurting the fight. But this is men in gernal I feel, not just gay. But us gays can dispose of realtionships much more quickly.
ReplyDeleteActually, the urge to "random" sex is not just in gay men. It seems that all men are inherintly wanderers.
ReplyDeleteI personally do not think monogamy is natural to men gay or straight. I would love to have been there listening to this!
I would agree here. I have gay and straight friends that I jack off with. And the straight guys don't think of it as sex....which it isn't. It's just fun to have fun watching each other.
DeleteBoy this must have been a E F Hutton moment! And Wait...all this time your telling me you like men!?!
ReplyDeleteThis would explain the stable of houseboys wouldn't it?
DeleteI been with my guy for 9 months, and I don't even look at other men. This is very intresting.
ReplyDeleteGet back to us in a year.
DeleteYou don't even look??????? Are you blind? Me and my partner still look, hell , we even discuss cute guys but never act on anything. Were not dead, but can still admire beauty.
DeleteI have to admit that I have often wondered about how you date more than one guy. I think be honest about it up front in very cool, and your probably wise not to settle so quickly after such a long term relationship. I think if Im in a commited realationship I too would have to have a closed one.
ReplyDeleteAs the preimere fag hag of Philly I have seen sooooooo many couple come and go. It seems after a year in most couple are already having threesomes. I can't figure it out. I like you are. If you enjoy men and dating casually then stay single. Do you boys know of each other?
ReplyDeleteYes Mahogany, I am up front from the beginning and they know I do date others. But that being said, I am with the Lad most of the time.
DeleteI enjoy the thrill of having sex with men and exploring new men every couple weeks, so I no where near ready to settle down. One guy and I dated for about a year and a half, and the question of settleing down came up. I said no. Did I miss out on a great guy? Probably. But I knew I may cheat so why ruin the guy and put him through it. I want to have my fun and feel the oats first...then I'll settle. Very intresing post.
ReplyDeleteOh my...who knew sex could cause quite a stir! Hell, I'm lucky if my own hand isn't tired for some fun around here.
ReplyDeleteMy partner and I will be celebrating 8 years together in May and have never cheated to my knowledge. We watch porn a couple times a week. And porn takes care of that ;)
ReplyDeleteAfter almost 32 years with one man, I could not even imagine being sexual with another. Our relationship is much more than sex. In fact sex is not a big part anymore, as it si normal for most long term marriages, gay or str8. Oh, when younger, of ourse I wanted to stray, I was horny all the time! My husband too and out sex life was great. I can only say i am glad I didn't. Bored with him? Never! The level of intimacy we share is what we have gained over the years. The understanding of each other. I am more in love with him now more than ever. We know each other inside out and we trust each other. We don't need a third man to spice it up when it has enough spice already, thank you. Sex when I was young and single was very often, the more the merrier... but I always dreamed of what i now have and it is far, far more than I thought possible now in my late years.
ReplyDelete32 years! When I do settle down you give this queen hope!!! And Congrats on your loving relationship. It sounds so special, even your comment glows!
DeleteI've noticed as I get older it is easier to be monogamous. On the other hand, it does not stop me from looking around once in awhile.
ReplyDeleteI think it's really cool you're up front with whomever you're with. Not too many people are like that when they juggle men and/or women.
Thank you Rj. After 10 years I just had to have fun again and do some exploring if you will.Plus after my split, this is really the first time I have really been independant living on my own with no roomates or a exclusive man. And I agree with the getting older thing! I do see myself swaying towards the Lad more and more.
DeleteIt's all about honesty--which you have in spades, MM.
ReplyDeleteCarlos and I are monogamous, because that's how we want this to be. I kinda view it like this: I can be friends with a lot of men, and be flirty and fun, but not take it a step further. And I can be friends with Carlos and be flirty and fun and always take it a step further.
Some men are friends and one man is friend and lover, and if I treat every relationship the same way, then what makes the one I have with Carlos special?
The monogamous-ness of it; the commitment of it; the honesty of it.
Thirteen years and still going strong.
"if I treat every relationship the same way, then what makes the one I have with Carlos special?" Damn it Bob. I think I was trying to say this yesterday, but with the bloody Marys it wasn't coming out right. You have hit a wonderful point!
ReplyDeleteIt is not difficult to be monogamous. My partner and I discussed this early on in our relationship. We do not judge others, but we have too much love and respect for eachother to consider other options. And by the way I love your blog and your name!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've often felt weird because I don't have any problem being monogamous when I decide to commit to somebody. I think once in college I cheated on a boyfriend on spring break, but it was really more of a technicality since I decided to break up with him but was waiting to do it face to face. I'm not overly moralistic or judgmental about it or anything, I've been the third party to join a couple in a threesome more than once in my life, just never felt the desire to add a third when I've been coupled. But being single now, I am also seeing two guys.
ReplyDeleteyou and the Mistress should have story night
DeleteMy other half and I fall under the category of monogamish. This is a state that has existed since the beginning of our relationship, five years ago. If anything, I believe that it has enhanced the level of intimacy in our relationship because it requires full, open, ongoing communication, even with the specific rules that we have for our relationship: that we only engage with others as a couple, and then only with those with whom we already have an established friendship. In short, if we wouldn't want to hang out with an individual or couple afterwards, we do not have sex with them. Hell sometimes I even like to just sit watch someone make love to my other half.
ReplyDeleteNow you got me to wondering,if your seeing a guy, but jack off with friends does that count as cheating?
DeleteWhen I was seeing a guy, I also had a friend that I would work out with. We would go back to his place and jack off, but never touched each other. So I don't think that is cheating. My boyfriend knew about it. And didnt care. He wondered though if any more went on futher, and it didn't. I just like when guys watch me play with myself. it's a turn on.
DeleteVery interesting brunch conversation. I feel there is nothing wrong with it, as long as all parties are happy. I have been in both, but single right now because of the same reasons......I enjoy dick too much! Three cocks are better than two!
ReplyDeleteHaving just started reading your blog, I wondered about how you date multiple guys. I say enjoy yourself and its cool and refreshing that your up front. I say there are many relationships and to each their own. But for me it a closed relationship. I was also thinking you and the Lad do sound very Brian Justin from queer as folk. And don't let friends make you feel guilty about being single. Why have a stage settle for it just to fail?
ReplyDelete