HOORAY,HOORAY, IT'S THE FIRST OF MAY,OUTDOOR SCREWING BEGINS TODAY! The first of May officially opens the outdoor sex season and it is suppose to be glorious weather here in Philadelphia this weekend. Now that the warmer temps are here, people will be doing some naughty sport nookie outside. And it can be fun just the thrill of getting caught and it is nice to just get out of the house and switch thing up! But a friend first told me of the saying. One year she and I even made up flyers that said the first of May saying on it with a picture of a very hot, well-endowed man on the inside of the flyer. The first of May was on a Saturday that year, so when we went out to the bar for drinks one night, we put these flyers on every car in the area! It got quite a few laughs and gave some a treasured picture! And the Mistress is a experienced ho, I mean, hostess of outdoor sports, so here are my tips of a enjoyable time for all.
1. Be alert.
Getting frisky al fresco is all fine and dandy, but nothing turns a saucy romp in the grass from titillating to mortifying quicker then landing in dog doo. Depending on where you're getting down and dirty, it would behoove you to be extra alert to your surroundings. Some people just don't pick up after their Rover's. If you're on a hike and decide to be one with nature, fine, but be extra paranoid about a rustle of leaves or serenade of breaking twigs. So pick a clean wood or park. Or in your own back yard.
2. Dress appropriately.
Ladies: make it easy and wear a skirt or dress. And men, avoid belts or tight pants. And the Mistress highly recommends if you want to go commando, even better. One less thing to take off! But select your outfit carefully and be prepared to disrobe, get busy and then get presentable fast. And don't forget the Wet Ones! And a compact for a quick powder!
3.) Bring a blanket.
The Mistress learned the hard way to avoid getting sand tucked into certain crevices where it doesn't belong,or the wrong thing poking you that you don't want, so if you want sex on the beach, or in the woods, bring a generous-sized blanket. Likewise, rocks, sticks, burrs and other parts of nature are prettier to look at than to grind on—trust me! And you don't want to call 911 because of a punctured butt cheek from a stick. And if your out over night pictch a tent. Tent sex can be fun!
4.)Best to do it standing up.
If you have the stamina, standing up is probably the best position for knocking boots outdoors. The shrubbery always looks much more comfortable than it actually is. This is why the Mistress always dated younger, for their stamina and endurance!
Outdoor sex is more about novelty than having the best sex ever, but you might as well up your pleasure quotient with a few easy tricks. Namely, bring lubrication. Getting it on outside is challenging enough without trying to navigate foreplay, so let lube works its magic instead, and make sure it is scentless—no need to attract bugs. If anything joins in, I don't want bugs! Likewise, being one with nature is no excuse not to protect yourself. Bring condoms or your choice of contraceptive, and please take them with you when you're finished. Nothing ruins a good time like happening upon someones used Trojan. Or seeing the neighborhood busy body, Millicent walking down the street with a condom stuck to her heel!!! Ah, that poor thing.
So there you have it. So please enjoy the first of May!!! OH, and one last tip. If your in the car having sex, I HIGHLY recommend the back seat. Some people could accidentally knock the stick shift out of gear causing car to start rolling, heading for a down hill, putting everyone into a un-wanted panic. It very hard to get certain things that are rigid, back into clothes, and get the car stopped!