One thing I get asked a lot by friends, and have actually gotten two emails from you is how did I come to meet my social director Anita Moorecock. As one can see, she does have excellent fashion sense, she does work for me for Pete's sake, but I swear she still has that plastic look down.
Well, to tell you the truth, I met her right after my split from the ex. A few of the neighbor ladies from the guild took me to bingo night. With my racy and eyebrow raising lifestyle, I was hesitant to go, but of course just took my gin and bromide to calm my stomach with the sure to be seen tacky outfits I would see. Anywho....at the church the bingo was held at , Anita Moorecock was the church secretary. Well, it turns out I won her in the bingo game!!!! And it was an answer to my prayers. Unbeknownst to me though, the church was trying to unload the poor lass because, well, she enjoyed the men too much. Let's just say she was the original meter maid, men would meet her and have it made!!! So we had a lot in common, I mean between me and her and our sex lives, they could film a Wild Kingdom video. But I have to be honest, she is a pretty face, but not the brightest bulb on Broadway. I mean, is she dumb! When I first hired her, she was late the first day because she got lost. I said "Where are you?" She said she was in the neighborhood at the corner of walk and don't walk.
One day she handed me a doctors appointment for September 34th. I said Ms.Moorecock, there are only 30 days in the month. It seems she wrote in the rest of the numbers on the blank boxes for each month, she thought they forget to print them!
She thought a flasher opened the coat to show the lining. One day I sent her down to Gertz's Department Store to pick up my packages. She was stranded on a escalator for 6 hours when the power went out! One afternoon at her desk, she was looking at the obits in the paper. She said, 'Isn't it amazing how people die in alphabetical order?
Ms.Moorecock is the only person I know who lost a $50 bet on an instant replay. She read that 75% of accidents happen close to home. Now she wants to move.
I said oh, look at the poor dead bird. She looked up.
I'll never forget one day she squealed with excitement, because she won a trip around the world. But she turned it down. I asked why? She said, How will I get back? So she took second prize, a pet zebra. She named it Spot.
Oh God. And does she hate flying. I decided to take her on one trip and tricked her into flying. One the way there, the plane blew a engine. The captain said we'd be an hour late getting to our destination. Later a second engine blew. Again the captain said we'd now be three hours late. Then a third blew. The captain assured us it was a fine craft, not to worry, but we'd be even later. Ms.Moorecock says "Jesus Christ, one more engine blows and we'll be up here all night!"
She still can't figure out how the mall map knows "You are Here"
One of my neighbors is a real bitch. And she happens to be deaf. I know she signs to me bad things. But I had to tell Ms.Moorecock to stop making crank phone calls to her. She wasted $40 at a pay phone.
And she can be cheap. Last year when I left for the Thanksgiving holiday she made this dinner for my stable of houseboys....
How can a stable of growing , muscular boys live on that? It was even worst this year. She bought 6 large meatballs, packed them together and stuck a feather in it!
On December 1 she starts speaking with a Jewish accent.
Being my social director she is also in charge of sending out my Christmas cards. I was very horrified, two years ago, when she mailed out ONE card and called it a chain letter!!!
Last year for Christmas she bought me a bottle of Evening in Newark. It was $2.98 a quart.
One morning I came down for breakfast and she was just sitting there sharing. No replies. I was "what are you doing?" "Not now", she said "The orange juice carton says concentrate." Eye roll.
But the kicker came another morning when she offered to take me and the houseboys for breakfast. For coffee and donuts. I hated it. But the houseboys loved it, they never gave blood before.
I can only wonder what she thinks when she looks in the mirror, which she does a lot.
Thank God she is pretty and fashionable.
People wonder why I then drink so much gin.