Saturday, May 1, 2010

Outdoor Sex Season Open



HOORAY,HOORAY, IT'S THE FIRST OF MAY,OUTDOOR SCREWING BEGINS TODAY! The first of May officially opens the outdoor sex season and it is suppose to be glorious weather here in Philadelphia this weekend. Now that the warmer temps are here, people will be doing some naughty sport nookie outside. And it can be fun just the thrill of getting caught and it is nice to just get out of the house and switch thing up! But a friend first told me of the saying. One year she and I even made up flyers that said the first of May saying on it with a picture of a very hot, well-endowed man on the inside of the flyer. The first of May was on a Saturday that year, so when we went out to the club that night, we put these flyers on every car in the area! It got quite a few laughs and gave some a treasured picture! And the Mistress is a experienced ho, I mean, hostess of outdoor sports, so here are my tips of a enjoyable time for all.

1. Be alert.
Getting frisky al fresco is all fine and dandy, but nothing turns a saucy romp in the grass from titillating to mortifying quicker then landing in dog doo. Depending on where you're getting down and dirty, it would behoove you to be extra alert to your surroundings. Some people just don't pick up after their Rover's. If you're on a hike and decide to be one with nature, fine, but be extra paranoid about a rustle of leaves or serenade of breaking twigs. So pick a clean wood or park. Or in your own back yard.

2. Dress appropriately.
Ladies: make it easy and wear a skirt or dress. And men, avoid belts or tight pants. And the Mistress highly recommends if you want to go commando, even better. One less thing to take off! But select your outfit carefully and be prepared to disrobe, get busy and then get presentable fast. And don't forget the Wet Ones! And a compact for a quick powder!

3.) Bring a blanket.
The Mistress learned the hard way to avoid getting sand tucked into certain crevices where it doesn't belong,or the wrong thing poking you that you don't want, so if you want sex on the beach, or in the woods, bring a generous-sized blanket. Likewise, rocks, sticks, burrs and other parts of nature are prettier to look at than to grind on—trust me! And you don't want to call 911 because of a punctured butt cheek from a stick. And if your out over night pictch a tent. Tent sex can be fun!

4.)Best to do it standing up.
If you have the stamina, standing up is probably the best position for knocking boots outdoors. The shrubbery always looks much more comfortable than it actually is. This is why the Mistress always dated younger, for their stamina and endurance!

5.)Come prepared.
Outdoor sex is more about novelty than having the best sex ever, but you might as well up your pleasure quotient with a few easy tricks. Namely, bring lubrication. Getting it on outside is challenging enough without trying to navigate foreplay, so let lube works its magic instead, and make sure it is scentless—no need to attract bugs. If anything joins in, I don't want bugs! Likewise, being one with nature is no excuse not to protect yourself. Bring condoms or your choice of contraceptive, and please take them with you when you're finished. Nothing ruins a good time like happening upon someones used Trojan. Or seeing the neighborhood busy body, Millicent walking down the street with a condom stuck to her heel!!! Ah, that poor thing.

So there you have it. So please enjoy the first of May!!! OH, and one last tip. If your in the car having sex, I HIGHLY recommend the back seat. Some people could accidentally knock the stick shift out of gear causing car to start rolling, heading for a down hill, putting everyone into a un-wanted panic. It very hard to get certain things that are rigid, back into clothes, and get the car stopped!

18 comments:

  1. Mistress, why I never! Your a racy little thing aren't you? My boys would just love that.

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  2. This post just had me cracking up! But true, outdoor sex is fun to have isn't it?

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  3. Girl you always did tend to be a little racy! And enjoy life playfully!

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  4. I figrued you had some outdoor sport talents! Outdoor sex is the best!

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  5. What a helpful post! Now all I need is someone to do this with.

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  6. Outdoor sex is fun, but the best is the beach. Nothing like the sound of the ocean and the one you love.

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  7. You are too funny! Your right though safty first! You wants to get stuck with the wrong stick?

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  8. Girl, you are so bad but I do remember putting those flyers out. Chris started his Facebook page yesterday with the exact same quote. I guess I sure started something. Anyway, we have to smile and think of Glenn when we say it. He loved that saying. Hugs ...

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  9. Oh my does this take me back to the fun of P-town and Fire Island! I'm a little too old for the outdoor sports now.....but the fond memories!

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  10. Mistress Maddie #1 FanMay 2, 2010 at 7:50 PM

    So I was right, your are a racy little thing aren't you?

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  11. Funny post, you have quite the sense of humur I hear! And don't remind me of outdoor sex. I couple of bad experiences! But worth it :)

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  12. Are youbeing funny or serious? Outdoor sex is way hot! Great tips and noted! LOL.

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  13. OH MY GOD, you are so silly! "Bring a compact for a quick powder." LOL. I have to share this one! Now I get the Mistress part.

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  14. and Jar Head- I will be more than happy to help you out.

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  15. My girlfriend and I love the outdoor nookie! One time we even fell asleep once after a good round! Enjoy the season!

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  16. HA, HA,HA, love this post! There is nothing like finding a nice hot bottom to fuck in your back seat or in a park!

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Go ahead darling, tell me something fabulous!

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