So, the other day.... I had got an email from dear reader Tim asking about dating and other things. Based on his email here's some advice. Since coming out and being in several relationships, my time now is for me and I'm not settling down until I feel it's the right time and the right man. Otherwise, I'm having fun damn it. I had a therapist once that told me money or men won't solve my problems, so I fired her ass, went on a men bender and a shopping spree at Bloomies! And certain friends, couples. tell me to settle down again, I'm too vivacious. Hey, they stay home because they want too, so I tell them I go out and date and have a few because I want to. Don't judge me fuckers! So Tim here's some tips from someone burnt a few times.
1-Date who you want. If it feels right, who cares. Age is a number. People ask why I date men half my age. Let me put it this way, most my age, are like parking spots, The good ones are taken, and the rest are all fucking handicap.
2, A man who can't match your lifestyle is just extra baggage. And it's safe to say I don't need any more of the shit.
3-Trust me when I say your standards aren't too high, their efforts are just too low. Move on already
4- Sweetheart, if their gossiping about you, you already won. If you haven't noticed, no one talks about boring people.
5-Stop proving your worth to people who can't even afford your friendship. I did that in my 20's and it's draining.
6-Oh, and those who clap when you fail will always have front row seats to your success, so ignore them and keep shinning on ho!
7- And while you're at it, cut off those fake ass friends like split ends. Trust me when I say growth looks better without them.
8-Don't marry for money, marry for love. But just make sure you're in the right fucking zip code.
9-Stop dating lazy men. Does a crack head say he can't get high today, because he's broke? No. They make it happen.
10-It's time you start treating dating like it's a business. If he's not performing, fire that brokie before he bankrupts you.
11- If his shoes cost less than your manicure, he's not your soul mate honey, he's your dependent.
12-If he tells you your too high Maintenace, tell him he's too low income. Simple economics.
13- When I get asked what I bring to the table, I say I'm not a fucking waitress.
14-If the dinner bill comes and he hesitates, congratulations! You're dating a roommate with benefits.
15-He says he's working on himself. Thats code word for he's a brokie. Swipe left and send him a bill for wasting your time.
16-Enought of this he has potential. He's 35 with no headboard and a Walmart pillow.
17- And for god sake, don't ever try to change a man, just change the man instead.
18-Don't date men with meme and brit coin. I did once, he thought he was the shit. With a million bucks he was the poorest rich man in America, Congratu-fucking-lations.
19-And how you ask do I keep my men happy? Keep his stomach full, his balls empty, your ex blocked, and your jaw unlocked.
20-And don't ever let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband. If you're not married, your single!!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA
Did I just give all this advice out for free?
Well, sound advice, and I have followed a lot of that without really knowing I was doing it!
ReplyDeleteSee, your one of the wise, worldly gals who knows dear.
DeleteI would also add:
ReplyDelete- Try anything once, twice to make sure if you like it.
- Host at least one orgy in your lifetime, and to the prior point, two to make sure you DID have FUN.
- To the prior point, everyone has a body and not every body is beautiful but DAMN if they know how to fuck, who cares!
- Finally, if they obsess over kombucha, hard swipe - NEXT! That shit is NASTY and anyone who says otherwise really has some bad wiring upstairs.
Agreed Rade!!! It took me a number of threesomes and a half dozen orgies just to make sure I wasn't missing something!!
DeleteAnd kombucha?!?!?!? It is right next to Crocs in my book!!!!!!!
“When I get asked what I bring to the table, I say I'm not a fucking waitress.” Oh, you!
ReplyDeleteTruth! Who do they think I am Florence Jean Castleberry? Granted, some days the hair is almost as high.....
DeleteThese made me laugh! And some of it is really good advice. You know your worth, and I like that!
ReplyDeleteOMG!!!!!!!!!I was dying!!!!!!! So damn funny, and scarily not untrue!
ReplyDeleteDone.
ReplyDeleteI’m calling Anna Wintour and telling her you need your own column in Vogue.
Take that, Cosmo!
XOXO
"He says he's working on himself. Thats code word for he's a brokie. Swipe left and send him a bill for wasting your time." LMAO!!!! THAT had me laughing, and I know some of those guys that got your said bill of time wasting.
ReplyDeleteI hear I'm tying the courts up.
Delete😂😂😂 I swear, your my spirit animal!
ReplyDeleteOh no, I might get you into trouble then.
DeleteWhen I die and entre the 2nd matrix I want to be You. Can't wait to be an ex drag queen, gin guzzling, gay boy who travels!
ReplyDeleteMy shoes are always more expensive than my manicures since I don't get manicures.😉😉
ReplyDeleteI couldn't keep up with you, but it sure is fun to watch and hear the stories. Keep being you! Do things I wouldn't do and then tell us all about them.
ReplyDeleteDon't waste time on someone who bores you!
ReplyDeleteWell, you know I live vicariously through you due to my M.D. so I love your list.
ReplyDeleteI think it was Oscar Wilde who said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about."
I think your right...from the man of many great quotes!
DeleteThat was delightfully savage!
ReplyDeleteMy #13 - If they say they're the table, I tell them I wouldn't ever set foot in Wal-Mart.
A few too many things to remember.
ReplyDeleteFINALLY, a viable replacement for Dear Abby and Ann Landers! I agree with Sixpence: you deserve your own column in Vogue, Maddie!
ReplyDeleteIn that case I better talk to Ms Wintour before she hands the reigns over.....
DeleteThe gin has spoken ! :-)
ReplyDeleteLOL!
DeleteYour pretty in pink costume reminds of one I wore at a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in West Hollywood. I had a similar pink costume and underneath wore a black corset, black lace panties, black sheer stockings, garters, stilettos and strands of white pearls, my homage to Frank-N-Furter.
ReplyDeleteAfter the show had some fun in the backseat of a limo with an off duty chauffeur :)
-CA jock
I had nothing on under all that tulle! And see, I just knew you were full of stories!!! A off duty chauffeur!!!!!! Yes, we must swap stories for sure.
DeleteI literally laughtered out loud to this!!!!
ReplyDelete12-If he tells you your too high Maintenance, tell him he's too low income. Simple economics. That one has to be my personal fav Mads... I might have Princess T and The Daughter both read this Post coz it is great advice for any Single Person. In my 20's I wasn't looking for Mr. Right, I was looking for Mr. Right now. By my 30's I'd grown weary of the Bad Boys and just looked for a Bad Ass Man, found one, Married him and have zero regrets that has made for a Lifetime Partnership with Mr. Right, The Man. He too went thru his turbulent Youth only he felt he had to Marry any Woman he slept with, coz, his Religious upbringing wasn't as liberal as my own Parents Traditional, but Progressive, advice was. My Parents were from their Era, but, very Bohemian Spirits and I'm so glad I wasn't Raised by uptight people and that my Dad was a Two Spirit Tribal Man whose People have always accepted every Member of their Tribe regardless of how the Creator Created them to Be. Most Indigenous Cultures are actually more progressive than those that called them Savages.
ReplyDeleteMads, you have sound advice for everyone!
ReplyDeleteyou should charge fees for this sage advice .
ReplyDelete